Mom.

I love my mom. Really, I do. But I think I see more potential in her than she sees in herself. ..No. Actually, I know I do. Because my mom believes herself to be 100% more worthless than a can of worms. I really wish she could give herself at least a little respect. It would make her so much happier. But in her eyes, she has no hope for a better future and is worthless and doomed to forever live in her misery. Which, as long as she thinks like that, she is.

I can honestly say I've had those moments, too. I think most of us have. But to live like that all the time? I can't last more than a month like that. It completely zaps me of energy and the whole world just seems to stop. It's horrifying, degrading and completely against everything I believe life should be.

Sometimes I feel like that person that gets stuck hoping they can change someone for the better. I probably am that person. But it's not a crime to wish the best for your family, is it? I just want to see her do right by her self.

I feel like just doing a few simple things would help so much. So I'm making a list. Because it's 1 am and I'm bored.

Things people should do in order to improve their lives:

-Stop playing WoW. I'm overly-biased on this, but I just think it's a complete waste of money and your time. There are just as many free to play games online if you really need the stress relief. Just limit the amount of time you spend on them. 1 or 2 hours is plenty of time, unless you're actually getting paid to play.

-Stop drinking Soda. It's full of empty calories and harmful ingredients. Diet is just as unhealthy than regular. It's known for tooth decay, causing brittle bones and weight gain. When I stopped drinking Soda, my life literally just flipped over to the better. I felt lighter and way happier.

-Drink more water. Even I can improve with this. Also, if you load up on sugary drinks you might need a little more than the usual 8 glasses rule. Those drinks just push the water right out of you.

-Exercise regularly. "No time" is not an excuse. You can easily up your level activity by parking toward the back, taking frequent breaks from the computer to just walk around for a couple minutes or go up and down the stairs, or fit a workout regimen into your television time: exercise during commercials and stretch during your shows.

-Banish pack rat tendencies: don't go shopping for things you don't need. If you have 2 freezers and fridges full of food, do not go buy more food. Use what you have. Don't buy new shelving units or appliances until you've set up what you currently have in their own proper place and sorted things accordingly. When clothes no longer fit, set them into a separate hamper specifically for donating and when things break dispose of them within the week.

-Cook or prepare most of your own meals, and only eat dessert once a week. Eating out can be so bad for you. We used to eat out a lot, and now I've developed some sort of digestive problem that I still have to get checked out. Whenever I eat out, doesn't matter where, I get massive...problems. I'm thinking it's preservatives, because even the Schwann's my dad orders will do me in. Making your own food ensures you know what's in your food, you control the ingredients and amount that goes on your plate (you don't need to fill your plate entirely with steak) and it usually tastes way better.

-Join some sort of community. Not just online things. People need face to face contact with people. Book clubs, sewing, a community orchestra or theater, whatever. Or join a gym or go to the library on a regular basis. Sure, it sounds very college-life-y but there's a reason it works. Because being in environments where we can feel included and in groups centered around things we enjoy helps us feel comfortable with ourselves and other people. 

*The most important thing is to surround yourself with "positive energy". Respect yourself physically and mentally. Don't live for others, do little things for yourself simply because you deserve them. You deserve the exercise. You deserve to eat right. You deserve to smile every day. You deserve to fix your problems. Never turn yourself down by asking "What's the point?" The point is to respect and love yourself. Your body is your home and the vessel you travel through this life in. Keeping your ship in shape keeps your crew--you--happy. :)

Friends

So, way back in February, one of my friends got into a pretty nasty motorcycle accident and he's been in a coma and slowly regaining his awareness since. I was away at school and he was in the ICU for a while, so I didn't get to see him until today. I'm really really bad at trying to figure out what to say to people, and I've never made hospital visits outside of my brother's asthma attack when I was 4 years old and more concerned with the presents the firemen were handing out. I still feel kind of bad that I didn't speak much, but I'm going to try to be better.

I am really really happy I went, though. I'd been extremely worried about him since I got word of the accident and though I'm still going to worry, I am thrilled to see that he's slowly recovering and definitely working hard for it. Maybe for some, it might feel disheartening to see somebody struggle so much to make sure his friends knew he was happy to see them, but it made me feel really hopeful. Of course he'll never be the "same old guy" he was before, but that doesn't really matter to me. Because none of us are going to be the "same old" anythings we were before and having something so drastic happen to you IS going to change you, regardless of whether you walk away from the accident or wind up in a bed for months. He was constantly looking at the pictures and posters everyone put up for him on the wall, and when we talked to him I could see him trying to respond to us. He even snorted disapprovingly at us when we said we had to leave. 

I'm going to try to do something for him, to make sure he knows he's got my support. I'm worried he might think I was freaked out by the visit. :( But we're definitely going back soon! Today, we brought in Jurassic Park to watch with him, which I think he liked but he was pretty exhausted from some tests the doctor ran him through while we waited outside. Next time, we want to bring Ratatouille, because it's a much more upbeat film.

Skin:

I've been having increasingly more severe loathing for my skin lately. Really, it's just my acne that bothers me to this extent. It covers my scalp, face, neck, shoulders, back, chest, stomach, and yes--even down to my feet. I hate it. It causes me serious anxiety and paranoia.

And sometimes, when I think about it, I just wish I could peel all my skin right off.

Job Hunt:

So far, I've applied to jobs at:

-Petco

-Caribou Coffee

-Teavana

-Ben & Jerry's

-Kohl's

-Sports Authority

-Borders

-Starbucks

-World Market

-Noodles & Co

Places left to apply:

-Outback

-Olive Garden

-Cheesecake Factory

-Harvest Bread Co

-Villa Bella

-Macys

-JC Penney

-Bowl America?

And..well..anyplace that's still hiring. A lot of the above only take applications in person, so I'll have to wait another week before I can apply. Hoping someone from my first list calls back this week and I can interview on Saturday. That would be pretty awesome.

Summer Projects

Summer Vacation is starting in 3 weeks (it still feels like forever, actually). Here's a list of projects I intend on starting during the couple months I get off from school:

-Get a job. Because, well, money is important.

-Go back to dance classes. I intend on taking Hip Hop and Belly dance lessons.

-Yoga. I've already researched and found a studio I intend on checking out.

(really, how am I going to afford all of this?)

-Start an 'Otherworld' shop, selling handmade goods dealing with Fae, Dragons and such. Eventually, I'd love to be able to build Faerie houses suitable for gardens.

-Read a lot. I have a rather extensive list of books I plan on finishing within the next year.

-Get back into Martial Arts. Maybe not go right back to classes yet, because I want to at least be able to afford them and they're the most expensive classes on this list. But I do want to review everything I've learned, and I mean everything, during my time away. 

-Learn to sew. This could also tie in with my potential shop.

-Find the right balanced diet for my body. Including things like eliminating soda and fast food. They're terrible for everyone and usually make me ill (though they do taste pretty good). This also means offering up my cooking services to provide myself and my family with good, healthy meals (I'm not a fan of the frozen-dinner stuff they usually serve me).

-Get my mom's house back in order (the sort of order it hasn't seen since I was in elementary school, unfortunately). This means, lots and lots of cleaning, rearranging of things and disposing of other things. Hopefully, if we can at least get that much accomplished, my mom will either save up to replace the things that need real fixing or save up for a new place to live (which would be ideal for a great list of reasons). 

-Learn Spanish. I've already asked my stepmother to teach me. For one, it is something that would be really useful for several reasons. Two, I'm sure it would help her feel a bit more appreciated. I can't say we've always been on good terms, but regardless of the way my mother acts and the thing she says, my stepmother is not a terrible person and she is part of my family. It's only right for me to include her.

-Rework my wardrobe. This is actually on my list of things to do all the time but it never gets done because I just can't afford to get rid of all my clothes. Heck, I don't even want to most of the time because of how much they've cost me and it hurts to part ways with such investments. Which, by the way, is exactly why I need to do it. I'd rather have lots of cheap clothes at my disposal than a few very expensive garments. I'm probably going to give up wearing jeans all the time as well, because trying to find the right pair becomes some sort of overly-extensive search for the perfect size and the perfect price.

-Start my previously mentioned "Dream Jar"

And hopefully, through all of this, I won't even have time to sit here and make dumb lists on the internet. I want to be as dissociated from the internet as I can be. In addition, I hope I'll be able to find a greater sense of confidence and understanding of myself and the world around me.